yesterday was foolish.

i was embarrassed and upset because i felt like i've not made any progress in my career. then i remembered an actor i met on the set of Austin Powers who had the same thing happen to her. I remember talking to this girl and she seemed upset that she was called on set then taken back to her trailer time and again. i asked her what was wrong and she said that she hasn't worked yet. i said well, you're still getting paid right? and she replied, yeah but i just want to work and the director is thinking of cutting my scene. this girl wasn't a well known actress but did work a lot and was a bit known in the LA acting scene. If you watch the movie all she says is IT'S Austin Powers! at a table girls. She was supposed to have an interaction scene with Mike Myers. Just like i was supposed to have an interraction scene with the dude yesterday in the music video. anyway, thinking of that conversation really made me feel better. Just because they cut my scene doesn't mean i don't have talent. Just means the director doesn't know how much BETTER his video would have been with me in it.

oh, I still stand by my "i'm not an extra" statement.

the shoot.

so today was the video shoot i mentioned in an earlier post. i woke up excited and fresh and got to the meeting place (a cafe in the east village) at 11:30am. Upon arrival, i received a call from a P.A. saying the shoot is running behind and "we'll be there soon, have a few cups of coffee on us - save your receipts." Of course, i know better than to think that shoots are ever on schedule so i brought a book and magazine for the wait and ate breakfast. 12:30 rolls around, i'm getting a bit antsy and walk to the pet store and buy some toys for my new puppy i'm picking up next week. I get back to the cafe and another P.A. is there get me and a few other girls that have been waiting in the cafe as well. yay, i'll be working soon!

We walk to the set a block up the street and the nice stylist is checking out my clothes and making sure i look okay. the makeup artist comes to me and surprisingly it's an old friend of a friend named Jordan, whom i hadn't seen in close to 2 years! That was exciting, it's always nice to see a familiar face in an otherwise foreign environment. She made me look fab and the hairstylist sprayed me with some Surf Spray and i was ready to go. just gonna wait for my call. Okay, hmm. i'll talk to Jordan for a bit. she's busy, okay i'll talk to some of the other actors. okay, bored. i'll just continue reading my book. dum dee dum.

The A.D. yells - OKAY everyone we're moving up the avenue. let's go! So we all go. and wait some more. when the hell is my scene going to happen. oh well this is to be expected. back to my book. shit it's like 5pm now. shit, i've never waited this long on set before. Oh wait is that Tommy. no way! i haven't seen him in AGES! Tommy books the Rockwood Music Hall and is on set because he's friends with the guy who's music video were shooting. anyway, We get into a discussion about having to move back to the city and how dumb it was to move to brooklyn in the first place!

Oh wait, what you're ready for me? oh, ready for us? oh, um okay. wait what? you want us all to run after the lead guy? wait down the avenue? chase him? really? umm but i'm to have a scene. oh you're running short on girls, okay sure i'll be in this scene.

So, i'm running in a group of girls after this dude and when the scene is done, i remember the first ever background/extra job i had which was as a 60's mod girl in the first Austin Powers movie. That was a great job. i look fab in a hideous 60's brown dress with big butterfly glasses. i worked 3 days at the Paramount Studios backlot and made a shitload of money what with meal penalties and overtime. that was fun. i did background work for about a year straight just to get on set experience. (if you catch the right one, you'll see me in many a 90210 episodes.)

My first thought of the whole chase scene was, ha, that's funny, this is quite reminiscent of when i ran after Mike Myers on the Paramount Studios backlot! ha. oh that's a funny story, i should tell....oh wait. that was 10 years ago. i can't tell anyone that. oh my god, what am i doing. no. i can't be. no wait. WHAT there are to shots left to shoot and we're wrapping? but wait, where's my scene? are you fucking kidding me? i've been here for 6 hours and you make me run after some dude with bad hair down the street and you're wrapping me? this has got to be a joke. really? but i was hired to do a scene! what!

That's a wrap - said the A.D. - Thanks for all your help on the video.

Oh my god, oh my god. what is happening. did i really take a day of work to be an extra? i was supposed to have a scene, with a close up. something for my reel. i cant' even put this on my resume. Oh my god. my ears started to get red. i had to get my stuff and get out of here away from all these people. Oh my god. my eyes started to well up. i could NOT believe my day. I could no longer control my eyes and tears just started to fall down my face as i walked up 1st avenue.

oh god, please let me stop crying. oh god. what am i going to do. i'm so embarrassed and, oh god. who will ever understand why i'm so upset and so angry. i didn't get to work. i took the day off of work and i didn't even get to act! i was hired to act! I couldn't stop my eyes. the tears just fell down my face and i was so angry and almost ashamed. no one would understand. people are going to ask me how the shoot went and what am i going to say? great? fine? i am not background! i have paid my dues as background dammit! who will understand? Joe will. so i call him and hope he answers. He's in LA and offers what he can in understanding. He knows me better than anyone and is probably one of the only people who know and have seen me act, and who believes in my ability. I never cry to this person even though he's one of my closest dearest friends. but at this point, i can't help it. even though we love and care for each other very much, we're not that type of family who cries and talks about each others emotions, and when one of us does, the other calls him or her gay. anyway, we hang up and he sends me a nice text message that makes me feel just a little better.

Next i call my mom. she can tell i am crying before i say anything, and i just let it all out. the people walking on 14th street must have thought someone i knew died the way i was crying. i just hurt so bad and i couldn't believe i wasted a whole day on nothing. and how excited i was before this day even came. my mother, being the most amazing person ever, orders me to go home and drink something so i can relax and calm down.

I hang up with my mom, dry my eyes and make it to the grocery store in one piece. the stock boy i keep passing just stares at me. i pull out my compact and my eyesballs are red and are swimming in tears that are waiting to fall down my cheeks. it's just one of those cries you can't help. on the subway my eyes welled up and put my head down so no one would see as tears fell to the floor.

God i'm so overdramatic. maybe i was crying because i haven't cried in months. was it with good reason? does anyone really understand why i was so upset? am i being a fucking idiot? i got home and more than ever i wanted someone to come home to.

It's been 52 days

since i quit smoking and my skin is clear and radiant!  Hooray for quitting your vices for the sake of vanity!  

what, another one!!

Good news people!  I booked another gig!  Coincidentally, it's another music video for an artist named Julian Velard.   I shoot Thursday.  All other details are yet unknown like what i'll be doing, wearing, etc. but i will have a full report when i'm done with the shoot.  Hooray!!! How exciting is this!!!

it's 10pm and i can't keep my eyes open.

hello all in blog-land. how are you?  my sincerest apologies. it's been less than a month since my last post.  but in that time there was a mercury retrograde that literally kicked my ass and resulted in my having so many communication backfires that it made me hide under a rock and avoid everyone who spoke until the planet went direct. SO, here i am. back on the scene.  *oh if you don't know about mercury retrograde, look it up.  it's crazy!  or at least a valid excuse for not getting a long with your friend/peers, your phone not working, anything else communicative going wrong in your life.  :)   

Also, I've been working and auditioning like crazy!!  the latter resulting in booking a gig!! hoorah. it's a music video/short film and it shoots in early December.  i'm quite excited about it as it's a Period piece, and you all know how much i love history! 

Hmm oh i've also started working as an usher on the weekends for the Chanel Mobile Art Show that's happening in Central Park until November 9th.  You should all go and check it out if you can.  it's filled with really great contemporary art that was all inspired by the Chanel 2.55 Handbag. My first day on the job was yesterday and besides sore feet from standing all day, I walked away with the absolute lust for an entire Chanel wardrobe (and the realization that i need to be rich and famous to make this happen (or just extremely rich - but i'll take fame too.)

So that is what the last few weeks has been like. busy busy busy.  i won't have a day off until November 15th. GOOD GOD!  but i'm hoping it will all be worth it since in the midst of all this business (real work/auditions/side work/failed attempts at a social life) i'm also looking for  a new apt. in the city as well as trying to get through all my unread books and uneaten food in my fridge and pantry.  woe is me! 

okay, i can barely stay awake, but had to write you.  i will post more. just have to get back into the swing of things.  so much is happening and i'm falling so behind!! i'll catch up.  just you watch (or read, that is!)

good nite!